Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
