YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Randomize
