remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
