Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
