whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Randomize
