Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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