So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
