i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
