I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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