I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
