while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
