So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
