I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
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Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
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