i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
DIN'T JUSGE NE.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Randomize
