The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
