Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Randomize
