Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
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you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
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Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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