Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
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