I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
