I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
