Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
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