for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
