i don't like sucking hair
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
