shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
Randomize
