Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
