I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Great. Me and the intoxalock guy are getting so close he just said "alright see you later girl!" when I called about getting the blower recallibrated.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
