I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
