I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
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