i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
