I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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