Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Would love to dress up in respectable attire and take you out somewhere nice and then do disgusting crude things in public
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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