I'll bet she douches with gravy.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Randomize
