Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
Randomize
