There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
