My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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