that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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