Dude my mom stole all your condoms
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
