Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
