i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Randomize
