I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
