All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
