Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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