i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Randomize
