remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
