I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
Greg found me on xtube. Who knew random hook ups would leave their web cams on and upload it. At least it shows off big penis.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
