I met the friendliest cop last night
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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