Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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