What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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