seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Randomize
