My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
