my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I should be sponsored by Trojan
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
