So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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