I feel like abortions should bother me more
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
My liver just had a heart attack.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
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