I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I have a story that starts with Nutella and ends with sex in the laundry building at RIT.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
