I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
