wat bout pragnant strippers??
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Randomize
