Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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