my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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