I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
