Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
