I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
