So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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